tired

I’m tired of life. I’m tired of living everyday, knowing that I am not living it up to what i want it to be.

I want to do things I am afraid to. I don’t even like finance, why am I majoring in it? Trying to find internships for things I don’t enjoy is a chore. Hanging out with certain people to assure myself that I have friends is stressful. Two and a half years left to figure out what I want in life is the most damning thing i have to do. I want to act, I want to plan events, I want to fight crime, I want to stay an American. But I can’t have all these things because they are not the “right” things to do.

It is so difficult to veer from the path that you set out for just because it is the most sensible thing to do. I just want to be reckless, creative, and do unimaginable things that make me happy. But nope, i’m just stuck here all alone, trying to apply for internships, write cover letters, study for business law, figuring out who my true friends are and who are not, figuring out how to be more confident and sociable because that is how the society expects successful people to be, figuring out if grades or having once in a lifetime experiences are more important. Most of all, still figuring out myself.

And I am just so tired of it.

 

The Inevitable

It’s that time of the year again – Christmas time. I know I’ve not blogged in a really long while, but I feel the inspiration to do so after my mom just cried. It sounds morbid what it’s not what it is. 

My parents were watching Meet Joe Black, and even though I wasn’t watching with them, I know it’s a movie about death, sort of. It probably reminded my mom of her parents, whom both died of cancer. She was just crying in her room when I passed the folded laundry to her. She hugged me, and cried, and said she missed her parents. Whenever I see my mom cry, I try not to because I refuse to feel weak. But as you guys know, I’m sentimental, and I wasn’t strong enough. She cried into my shoulders, and I cried into hers. And then I thought about how us children are so absorbed in our own lives that we never stop to think about how lonely our parents might be, and how they have lost so much with age. 

I’m constantly annoyed by my parents, but I know I love them. However, they might not seem to think so as I don’t really display many acts of love. 

I just want to thank them for flying over 27hours to America to spend winter break with me. I love you mom and dad (ok and didi), I really do, even though I have the inability to show it. 

last day

Today is the last day before school officially starts. My fear is partially gone, replaced by sadness and regret. 

I am super sad that my parents are leaving in 4 days. Sad that I didn’t make any friends. Sad that I don’t fit in. Sad that New Orleans is hotter than Singapore. Sad that the time difference here from singapore is 13. Sad that there aren’t any other Singaporeans I know of here (except Amy’s bf). Sad that I have no one to talk to right now and I just really want to bawl and cry out loud. Sad that I didn’t get a single room so I can continue with my bad routine and cry openly.

I regret ever wanting to venture out of my comfort zone. I regret dreaming of going to the states to study ever since I was little. I regret not ____ (okay I don’t think I can say this one in public). I regret choosing a country where my family aren’t around.

Is it still too late to change my mind? I have to blink my tears away every single time my parents leave me. As I am typing this now, my roommate isn’t around. What I really want now is to be able to cry without worrying about her coming back. It has finally set in that I am growing up, and I have to be independent from now on. I don’t have any family to run to around here. I really wish time stops, and I can spend all the time in the world with my family. I don’t even need a boyfriend, or anyone else. I just need my family, and I’m already missing them so badly.

Strength

I almost cried today, but I decided that I will never ever cry in Tulane. I will be brave, I will make friends, I will study hard, and come out a stronger woman. Time to cast aside the differences and adjust to the new environment. Okay maybe I’ll allow myself a few tears here and then.

bright

Thought my blog was too dark and gloomy. Here’s to a brighter and more optimistic future! 

I don’t know why the font is soooo huge though. meh.

Goodbye

Just had a barbecue on my rooftop with my family and relatives. It was also a national day barbecue like a week in advance since we do it almost every year. I was quite excited for it because I’ve not been to be rooftop for a long time (lazy me), nor have I had barbecue recently, and also because it’s all about me (I’m kidding hhaha).

I would go into details about what happened at the barbecue, but that’s not what I’ll talk about for now. I want to talk about my feelings (…) I wasn’t particularly sad, nor was I happy. I was just trying to mingle around, talking to everyone before I have to leave. There was an empty feeling, but it just felt like emotions left me. It’s all on the inside though, like I know that I am still chatting happily, I’m not feeling it inside. I occupied myself by snapping pictures of everyone, the food, the night. Group pictures of my cousins that are rare to come by; well for my family anyway. I know that we’re not as closely knitted like other people with their cousins, but we do have things in common and things don’t get awkward despite not seeing one another for a long time. And I’m happy for that.

Looking at my grandparents, I see two tired looking people, whom suddenly looked much older tonight. I felt sad, because so many things can happy within a few years. Okay I know I’m coming back this December, but what about next December when I’m not? What about the next 4 months? Time really doesn’t stop for anyone, and it makes me scared. I really hope they can live a long happy life.

Auntie sunny and Yoyo. I’ve grown up with Yoyo, and auntie sunny is like a real aunt to me. She bought the wonderful buttercream (?) rainbow layered cake which is 1.5kg OMG and it’s so gorgeous. I don’t know how she knows I’ve always wanted it, because I’ve never told her and my family. I guess that’s how close we are. Yoyo was sooooo small, and I can remember when we’re little kids. Now he’s like 175 or taller ._. Thank you for taking a break from studying for O levels and attending the barbecue. (Also to my other cousins who cancelled their tuitions for this cause two of them are taking Os too :P)

My mommy and daddy. Thank you for organizing everything, and of course for loving me and my flaws. I know I’m not always a good daughter, and always a pain in your asses heh, but I’m glad you tolerated my nonsense and my lack of hard work. For always believing in me when I don’t, pushing me to work harder and dream bigger. I know I’m not stupid, but I just needed those tuitions that cost a bomb to make me study, I’m so sorry. But hey, I’ve returned you the money ya? HAHA. I promise that I’ll turn my life around, work hard, get that 4.0GPA you so desperately want to see hahaha and be a daughter you never have to worry about. I really want to be good this time, because I would have no one else to depend on to get me out of troubles there.

I’m going to be alone, but I will be independent. I am a soldier going into a war, and I will come out a survivor.

awkward

It has been a while my friends. I’ve been obsessed with american tv shows lately (what else), and I’ve finished Orange Is The New Black seasons 1 + 2, AND Awkward sesaons 1+2. That’s what my life is all about these days. Sleeping at 3/4am, waking up at 12-2pm (sorry not sorry), training, and then back to my shows. I also read books okay, i’m not just glued to my laptop..

So, it has been about 4 months since I last blogged. Nothing you guys are missing out anyway hahah. BUT, i’m still gonna write down my boring life in chronological order because this is my blog and it’s my choice to waste the next minute of your life. If you choose to continue reading that is. Of course you do. 

March-April: 
My last few weeks in pwc, and I guess i’m just happy i’ve had a taste of the working life even though it wasn’t really that much of serious work, like not exactly adult adult work. What is adult work anyway? Okay i’m in no position to say that wasn’t adult work. oh well. At least I made money sort of. I was really really relieved to be unemployed though, that I can continue doing the things I like the most (read first para) until i have to leave for the states.

April: 
Spent roughly 2 weeks in US! I think it’s the first family trip without my brother and I guess I kinda missed him :P Visited the schools and I finally chose Tulane University. It’s in Louisiana and I hope no serious hurricances will happen when i’m there? I mean, Hurricane Katrina is the reason why TU dropped in rankings. Maybe a slight flood here and then would be fun. It would be totally harmless of course, if not there’s no fun in that. Okay maybe there’s no fun in natural disasters at all but Singapore really has nothing except haze and the occasional floods that I have never experienced. Okay I should slap myself. Back to the trip, I like the people in Louisiana i guess? They’re quite fun! And there’s this dessert shop called Sucre, gosh, I can go there everyday. But I’ve vowed (I SWEAR), that I will never let myself crumble and become a giant piece of walking fat. Yup. I might have weeks called Salad Week. Where i eat salad everyday for all meals. Hmm but it wouldn’t last. Perhaps every alternate day. I really like the lemon bars from this Club 1834 in my school but i can’t pay for the meals there with my splash card i think. sobs. I also witnessed the first baseball game in my life in the school stadium! It was Tulane VS Rice? Rice won. HAHAHA. oh well better luck next time. The Yulman stadium for football will be ready in august/sept, and I can’t wait to visit it! and experience my first football game! It’s the new stadium in my school, and I’ll be able to be part of the first football home game EVER. I’m history! 

After exploring lousiana (not really, just the school ha ha), we drove to tennessee! MEMPHIS. that’s the place where the king of rock and roll was born! I think. It was so cool! We had a fantastic dinner at this restaurant below our hotel, and we visited Beale Street! It’s this street with lots of bars, small gift shops, and also music shops where they mostly sell guitars. I was so tempted to buy a harmonica because I had one a long time ago and it was quite fun because I knew how to play twinkle twinkle little stars on it. Oh i can play it on the violin too. Girl of many talents, I know -flicks hair- The people on the street were just so chill, socializing and drinking, or just sitting down staring into the sky. Had to head back to the hotel because ahem i am underaged there and I can’t really do anything and it’s not like I like to drink anyway. Visited the Rock N Soul Museum the next day! It’s quite a cool place and I decided I like rock? n roll? are those words supposed to be together to make up a genre? AND JAZZ. I remember how the jazz pieces in my piano exam books are the only pieces i really loved playing. Probably why I scored better for those pieces huh. I can actually foresee myself hanging out at bars, listening to jazz and just chilling. Probably by myself too T_T HAHA. Wanted to tour the Gibson guitars museum to see how the guitars were manufactured, but the ticket was so expensive psh, not worth it. It’s not like i’m a guitar fanatic anyway, and i probably will never master guitar (including harmonica and violin hahahhahaha). Okay after tennessee, we droveeeee to illinois! We’re up north now, so the weather was dropping. Visited University of Illinois Urbana Champaign! In my opinion, the state is quite isolated? We had to drove into this vast neighbourhood where lights were out in 90% of the residences. Okay maybe cause it was night when we got there but it was 7-8pm…..? and there were no skyscrapers, no big buildings that shout “I’M A SHOPPING MALL”. yeah no. We stayed in the school’s hotel. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN FREAKING HOTEL. I was so amazed. They have their own hotel management programme thing going on, should have inquired more about it. Illinois was soooo cold, even in the room! It was spring time, and it was around 0 degrees omg. and on 1-2 nights, it snowed!!! Like omg. Toured the school the next day and I really like the school too. My tour guide was this girl who looks like jlaw!! I couldn’t stop looking at her. I jotted down her name and stalked her on facebook HAHA. I sneaked a photo of her too when she was talking. #fangirlproblems I didn’t manage to visit the stadiums in the school. I really wonder where they were hiding. Generally, the school was too big for me? I don’t really know. I had internal struggles throughout the trip, and I was so sad because I couldn’t make a decision that would affect my future. And if I make a wrong choice, good bye future michelle. But I had to soooo…..I better kick ass in university man. I just hope I won’t be a loner and actually contribute to the school in one way or another. Really feel like joining the student government omg but i need to brush up on my american accent? Yknow even if I spoke perfect english, the americans still couldn’t understand me unless i spoke super slowly. What even!

Flew to NY after! It was quite exciting because that’s like one of the THE CITIES to visit, yknow? Where shows and movies are centred around, and where you can bump into celebrities! Of course i’m not fortunate enough to bump into any :( one day! I’ll be back new york. Practically walked everywhere in new york because that’s the only mode of transportation we mostly have there after returning our rental car in illinois. Got to visit the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Times Square and Grand Central! Few of the famous places i’ve been to ;) Also watched Les Miserables broadway! It’s so goooooood. Excellent in the beginning, even. But my dad was complaining that it wasn’t that special, and it was too expensive. Ya okay it was expensive, I agree. Sigh. But the lead actor was so good! His voice is wow. Inserts heart shaped eyes emoji here. Overall, it was a fantastic trip and damn, how I wished it was longer. 

I really like america, despite how dangerous it is. everywhere. not just in louisiana. But, be in a safe place you have no feelings for or live dangerously and loving your life? Okay let me introduce to you all my favorite quote “A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are made for.” I know i’m not a ship la i’m just saying :( It’s like being with a guy who is perfect and everything but you don’t love him, or be with a guy who is imperfect but you love him for all that he is? Once again, i’m definitely no love or life guru, so end of discussion here.

May:
Highlight of May was the trip with 2 broke girls to Malaysia for Malaysia Open! The competition wasn’t good (for me), but the trip was! First time travelling with friends and it was not too shabby, albeit it was to a neighbour country? And it’s not like travelling from America to Canada kind of trip. The food in malaysia are really cheap omg. I think i’ll be a fat chinese if I grew up there. Like fatter than i already am, duh. I was upset I didn’t have the chance to bring back a box of Krispy Kreme donuts :'(

June:
It flew past and i think i didn’t really do much except lazing at home. skip!

July:
Back to the present. Uh. I just can’t wait to start school and start anew in a new country, a new school, a me where nobody knows about previously, a new me of course. Ready to rock the world. I can dream okay!! I just want to do my very best, no more depending on luck, because that is something you run out eventually. [talking to myself now] Don’t wait for things to fall into your lap, get off that bed/chair and grab them! If you want to be in that group, do it! If you want to be friends with that person, go say hi! If you want to ace your exam, go study! The word is Go, and no longer Wait.

No pictures because i’m too lazy. All noteworthy pictures are on my instagram anyway. My attempt at blogging like a cool person failed. okay goodbye hahahahha

Snow White

Wah I swear, nobody insults my friends! >:( you better watch out. We’re not even close and how dare you call my friends bitches. It’s not even your freaking food. Go die (inserts cactus here). Well at least now I have a LEGIT reason to hate you.

bucketlist

I know I am really slow for realising that bucketlist is called bucketlist because “kicking the bucket” is another way of saying “dying” (am i right) and so bucket list is the list of things you wanna do before you die! I’ve never done a list before and I really don’t know what I want to do before I die, so here’s a list of what I want and do? okay weird.

1. Sleep for the whole day (24 hours) without being disturbed
2. Go bagpacking
3. Have a vacation in Maldives/Bali
4. Get married and have 6 kids HAHA
5. Get a Masters degree
6. Have a nice house in California
7. Is it weird that I want a Pandora bracelet?
8. Needing 7. requires a boyfriend/husband
9. Have a farewell party for myself (not for my death mind you)
10. Eat 20 buffalo wings
11. Road trip around the states with my roommate (she better be a nice person)
12. Get a perfect game or else I can never retire
13. Learn how to play the guitar properly
14. Be famous with my instavideos sheesh, I am famous already *flicks hair*
15. Be more feminine (step one to attracting a person with Y chromosomes)
16. Have a party at the beach (okay this is because my ahma booked a hotel room in Sentosa this coming Sunday for my birthday and they’re like asking me if I want a party and invite my friends but I’m in a dilemma, should I have a party or not, will people come, will it be awkward, will my crush meet my other friend and falls in love with her NOT, I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH)
17. Meet Jennifer Lawrence and Nina Dobrev. Oh, and Ellen!
18. Do a keg stand in college
19. Do drugs on my deathbed so I can be happy and get high and I will be called The Highness and fly high up into the sky and into Heaven.
20. Stop being a pain in the ass and work hard for all the things mentioned above.

marching on

My first post as an employed person! I can’t really like complain about anything cause i’m not supposed to…? Maybe as long as I don’t mention who or what can already, just talk about myself right. RIGHT. okay this job makes me ache all over!! You sit at a desk for like 4 hours then lunch and then another 4 hours oh my god. and you stare at the computer during those 8 hours! I’m going blind. and because the computer at work is windows, my own mac is starting to be foreign to me :( sorry babe I’ve neglected you. okay enough about work.

I shall not comment much about A level results cause mine sucked but I’m really happy for everyone who did well and comforted me anyway! I just have to thank my lucky stars and the gods I don’t believe in for the safety net i.e. my SATs and nice schools who accepted me. Anyway, I just need to let this out:
I’m sorry mom and dad for disappointing you guys all these years, neglecting my studies and not setting my priorities straight. I’m sorry for causing all those white hairs and wrinkles. I’m sorry for not keeping my promises to study, for always thinking i’m inferior to everyone else and that i’m just stupid when i’m not. I just wanted an excuse not to study. After receiving my A level results, I realized that i’ve been breezing through life (dead serious about this) ever since I was like 10? Getting a private bowling coach, somehow improving a lot and getting first for every event in interschools in p5 and p6, using my bowling to DSA to RGS, the only school I dsaed for. AND I got in, giving me some room to relax in p6 so I didn’t have to study too hard for psle but I did anyway cause I was a good and filial kid back then, getting 246 which is not bad I guess. Getting into rgs, an IP school where I didn’t have to take O levels, breezing through and doing just well enough to promote every year and then into RJC, one of the best JCs in the country, and of course, not studying hard enough again but well enough for the teachers to deem me smart enough to conditionally promote me to J2.  I really tried my best in J2, but there are always distractions and my mind loves to wander. Having a great dad who aided me in applying to universities, and I was even offered a full scholarship. Of course, not forgetting that I got into the national squad on my first try when others tried several times and didn’t make it, and staying in the team until now.

I really don’t know how to explain all these, maybe someone up there is just trying to help me, but they can’t help me forever. The luck is running out, and I have to be independent now! Thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way, studying with me, encouraging me, telling me to never give up or just plainly telling me not to be dumb and start working hard with their wake up calls.

Thank you.